"It's important to realize that I was actually black before the election.
"
Selected Quotes of W.C. Fields
"A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
"
"I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. It‘s the one thing I‘m indebted to her for.
"
"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
"
"When I played Keokuk one night they were so packed in they couldn't laugh ha ha ha, they had to laugh ho, ho ho
"
"If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up as an old lady, then kick him down the stairs. If you want to make a comedian laugh, it has to be an actual old lady.
"