Selected Quotes of Mark Twain

"Faith is believing what you know ain't so "
   --Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. "
   --Mark Twain, Widely attributed, probably inaccurately since Mark Twain’s father died when he was eleven years old

"To commit suicide in Buffalo is redundant  "
   --Mark Twain, That famous line from "A Chorus Line" -- "To commit suicide in Buffalo is redundant" -- has been claimed by many authors. According to the original cast members and crew, Neil Simon was called in by Michael Bennett to serve as play doctor. In their soon-to-be-published book "The Longest Line: Broadway's Most Singular Sensation, 'A Chorus Line,' " Gary Stevens and Alan George tell the story of the record-breaking musical in the form of an oral history augmented by photographs. Neil Simon told the co-authors in an interview: "The joke about Buffalo. Sometimes I think I wrote it, and then I'm pretty sure that Mark Twain wrote it. I sometimes think it was in the show before me, and yet there's a part of my mind that says I wrote it, and there's a part of my mind that says it's an old joke that was written by somebody like Mark Twain, and it wasn't Buffalo, it was someplace else, like Philadelphia or something."

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man. "
   --Mark Twain

"A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo and doesn't. "
   --Mark Twain