W.C. Fields

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up as an old lady, then kick him down the stairs. If you want to make a comedian laugh, it has to be an actual old lady.

When I played Keokuk one night they were so packed in they couldn't laugh ha ha ha, they had to laugh ho, ho ho

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. It‘s the one thing I‘m indebted to her for.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.